Dance On Our Graves

I hear something out there calling my name
No matter where I turn it all looks the same
There's sleep at night I just stay up and wait
But the burning in my blood never came
Will I know it?
Will I see it
When you're here
I need you now
I need you more than ever before
I know the man I am is not who I should be
The devil takes my hand says "Child come with me"
My body shivers and aches, I can't break free
Why do the things I hate come so naturally?
When we can see the light when we're going home
We'll dance on our graves with our bodies below
We'll sing along: hallelujah

Never Meant

Lets just forget, everything said. Everything we did.
Best friends, better halves
Goodbyes, and the other night, we realized,
We were falling out of love
there were some things, that were said, that weren't meant
they never did
the last thing i want to be is overly dramatic
I just think its best
Cause you cant miss what you forget
So lets just pretend
Everything and anything
Between you and me
Was never meant

Amnesia and Me

Amnesia's a pretty word to speak aloud or write
So I shall use it as a nickname for the girl I've in my life
She's not the sum of what she owns
And she ain't cavalier with the skin she shows

She has helped me with the questions in my life that have plagued me
Now I know who I am, a tongue-biting one-woman man

Amnesia sings songs under her breath, she's too shy to project
She'd prefer say nothing at all than have to endure talk of the small variety
She don't always make nice with others
In fact, she sometimes makes downright mean with me

But she has saved me from the long nights and the last calls that have betrayed me
Now I know who I am, a house-broken one-woman man

Amnesia and Me, we're sitting in our tree
F-O-R-G-E-T-T-I-N-G everything we once knew

I'm Okay, Your Okay

The other week I was have a pretty bad day, I'm not going to get into specifics but the whole day dragged on and almost everything that I didn't want to happen, well, happened. We live in a technological age so I decided to do the normal thing and vent a very small portion of my frustration on my Facebook status, I mean isn't that what everyone does?
Well a little later on I get a comment on my status that read, and I quote: "John, John, we are going to have to work on that attitude - This is the day the Lord hath made :). . . . . you know the rest."

Ok I am sure that this person meant that comment as encouraging, but it really pissed me off. I know this is the day the Lord has made, I am very aware and appreciative. I will be honest and just say that this person's comment made me feel bad, like there was something wrong with me for having a bad day.....unvalidated if you will. It got me thinking, is it really so bad to not be okay? Should I just stuff everything down and put on a face that says my life is perfectly fine? Absolutely not.

King David prayed to the Lord: "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Right there he is saying, "God I'm not okay, and I need Your help"
Jesus also said: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Jesus is INVITING and ENCOURAGING us to come to him when we are downtrodden. I then think that is all the validation I need but to be honest that person's comment still gets under my skin. As a society I don't think we are honest enough about our feelings, and I think we encourage people to hide how things are really going. When we ask someone "how's it going?" do we really want to know? If that person started spilling their soul do you really want to listen? Just the other day I asked someone how their day was going, their response was "pretty crappy actually", all I said was "thats sucks, I'm sorry".....why didn't I ENCOURAGE and INVITE them to tell me what was on their heart. If they don't want to tell me that's fine, but it would give them an opportunity to talk to someone if they need to. But instead I side-stepped it and let them go one with a lackluster "I'm sorry".

Truth be told, I am not always okay. Sometimes I have TONS of stuff on my mind. Sometimes I feel empty, like I can barely make it through the day. Do I ALWAYS feel this way? No......but honestly sometimes I do, and I think it would not be wise nor beneficial to pretend that I am in any way perfect. I am a work in progress.

In closing, It's okay not to be okay....

Eventually You Get Up

You fall and you fall, eventually you get up.
It hurts like hell but brings you to life.

I didn't see this coming the end of all that was.
Just lived the lie that what brings you rest cannot
hurt you. It was summer and I hoped for more
than the rut this place brings. All I got was
emptiness that still haunts me. I lost a part of
me and I lost my way but the pictures stayed
to follow me to bed. What I'll see tonight I won't
see ever again.

There is no lighthouse or landmarks to guide me
through. Your stories they are beautiful but they
won't bring me back. There is no route written
that I can take or someone that I can follow. Your
stories they are beautiful but these troubled waters
I have to cross alone.

I try to hang on to the things that I know I used to,
used to care for and the people that I know that I
love. It goes some of the time but sometimes life
just treats you too hard. When they find your body
drifting to land at least you tried to find your way
back home.

Creativity - I gots none to share

There's many who'll tell you they'll give you their love,
But when they say "give" they mean "take."
They"ll hang 'round just like vultures till push comes to shove.
They'll take flight when the earth starts to shake.

Someone may say that they'll always be true,
Then slip out the door 'fore the dawn.
But I won't leave you hanging on.
Another may stay till they find someone new,
Then before you know they'll be gone.
But I won't leave you hanging on;

And come what may, I won't abandon you or leave you behind
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
And come what may, I will be standing right here by your side;
I won't run away, though the storm's getting worse and there's no end in sight.

Some talk of destiny, others of fate,
But soon they'll be saying goodbye.
But I won't leave you high and dry.
Because a ring don't mean nothing
If you can't haul the weight,
And some of them won't even try,
But I won't leave you high and dry;
I won't leave you wondering why.

And storms will surely come,
But true love is a choice you must make
And you're the one that I have set my heart to choose.
As long as I live, I swear I'll see this through.

In Exile.....

I am in exile, a sojourner
A citizen of some other place
All I’ve seen is just a glimmer in a shadowy mirror
But I know, one day we’ll see face to face

I am a nomad, a wanderer
I have nowhere to lay my head down
There’s no point in putting roots too deep when I’m moving on
Not settling for this unsettling town

I am a pilgrim, a voyager
I won’t rest until my lips touch the shore
Of the land that I’ve been longing for as long as I’ve lived
Where they’ll be no penalties anymore

My heart is filled with songs of forever
The city that endures when all is made new
I know I don’t belong here, I’ll never
Call this place my home, I’m just passing through

Dagnabbit

I did something stupid.
I asked God to humble me.
Guess what.
He is doing just that.
I don't like it, but I love it.
Be careful what you pray for.

What the hell am i doing here?

So I suppose I am really frustrated with my life right now. I feel as if i am in need of a major change. Do you ever just feel stuck where you are at? I do.

I think ALL THE TIME, I just can't shut my brain off. I was at my accountability group the other day, just me and 3-4 other guys that I trust to tell everything to, and I was just kind of telling them what all has been going through my life. And I was telling them about my thinking and how at night I can't go to sleep because all I do is lay down and my mind starts racing. I think about everything, like:
all the conversations I had that day.
did I offend anyone?
did I forget to do anything that day?
what do i have to do tomorrow?
When he/she said this what did he/she mean?
Should I do laundry tomorrow?
Do I tell people i actually read the Twilight Saga?
How many spiders will I eat tonight?
If Muslims believe that Jesus was a prophet then do they just omit the parts where Christ says he is the Son?
Who will I marry?
Will i be a good husband?
Will I be a good father?
Do I REALLY want to get married?
Where will I be in 10 years?
Could I have been a better friend to my friend Tyler who died of a drug overdose?
Rainbows: gay or colorful?.....discuss

and so on and so on....

So on top of thinking all these things I was also saying that even when i am relaxing or just taking it easy, I dont feel like I am getting rest. I am constantly go go go. Then one of the guys says "John, it sounds like you just don't have a lot of peace.".......peace. That's it. Thats what i am looking for. When he said that his words were like a ton of bricks that hit me on the head. But how do I accomplish this? Do I just say "OK God, I get it I need peace, so uh ummm give to me, pretty please?"

Appearently it does not work that way. At least not for me. Trust me I have tried.

I don't want people to really get to know me, I hide a lot. And there are certain people I want to let in but I can't for lots of reasons other than I don't want them to really know me. And there are very very very few people that i feel as though I could easily let in, so much so that i find myself doing it and have to watch myself so that i don't get hurt. Also I want to know other people, I love conversations. And I talk WAY too much, I suppose I am a nervous talker, and because I am a nervous talker I am sure I come off very self centered and kind of a know-it-all, man do I hate that. All I REALLY want to do is listen and learn. I want to know everything about you, to realize when you are sad, how to cheer you up, how to encourage you, make you smile, how you grew up, about your family, about other friends, favorite color, worst fear, life goals, what you love, EVERYTHING....
But being a musicians and 'performer' I suppose that I crave the spotlight, but to be honest I do not feel comfortable in it. I get extreme social anxiety when eyes are on me. Like my heart is going to explode. Most people would not know this because i am a fantastic liar and deciever. I have trained myself almost my whole life to not let people know know what is really going on. There are a few people that I have let my guard down with, but for the most part I really wish i had not, mostly because I was not guarding my heart at the time. And in that context I am not speaking of romantic relaionships, there are friends of mine that are guys that I should have guarded myself from. And as a result I feel as though my heart has become hard and somewhat bitter. I have never been much of a cryer but even when i want to now, I can't. Trust me I have tried really hard just to shed one legitimate tear but I am all dry.

I used to not remember my dreams, for the longest time I just closed my eyes and opened them the next day. But for the last 5-6 MONTHS!!!! I remember everything, every detail. These are not nightmares by any stretch of the imagination, they are the best dreams i have ever had. In them I have everything i want, I am how I want to be. It's not a reoccuring dream its different every time, its like my little slice of heaven. But when I wake up I am frustrated because I have to come back to reality, that things are very different from my dreams. I think God uses dreams for lots of reasons (ie the book of Daniel) but I have no freaking idea what mine mean, if anything at all because i am not about to say that every little thing should be so closely scrutinized. I just want God to take them away, I would rather have dreamless night, hell even a nightmare every once in a while (I actually had a nightmare the other day but it ended up good so I don't really count that)

Ok so I could write another 5-6 pages of more stuff but I will leave it at that. But as a wrap up here is a short list of things that I KNOW:

I am John
I am a sinner
I am selfish
I know absolutly nothing about anything
God is love and love is real
There is always hope is Jesus
I love you more than you will ever know

Mason Jennings

"I don't want to be together, 

I don't want to be apart,

I don't want non of this love for you Honey,

Deep, deep down in my heart."

The Annexation of Puerto Rico

Ladies and Gentlemen:

"Like David, I wanna be a man after God's own heart. And I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that's my vision. Surely I am a manly man. I want to be loved and have love and give love. And not just that romantic kind either."


I do want to be compassionate, I do want to love people and have them know they are loved. I feel as though we as a society think so much of how we can 'fix' people, but really people just need a legitimate friend who will listen and walk through life with them.

I am scared that I will never live up to my full potential. that I will not accomplish all that God has for me. That I will be a disappointment. But His grace is so good. How Great Thou Art.

"Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance." - St. Augustine

plotted points

I need some serious intellectual stimulation.....I just can't take people sometimes

which road will you take?

such a good song......

If you walk away, I’ll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don’t want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it’s looking this way

And the moon’s laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way

And Laura’s asleep in my bed
As I’m leaving she wakes up and says
“I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don’t go away, come here”

And there’s kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say “enough is enough,
If you walk away, I’ll walk away”
And he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
From my landlocked blues
It’ll pass away like a slow parade
It’s leaving but I don’t know how soon 

And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background of a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
“If we walk away, they’ll walk away”

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom’s a joke 
We’re just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you’re still free start running away
Cause we’re coming for you!

I’ve grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I’m making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying “let me walk away, please”
You’ll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away

So I’m up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
I know I’m leaving but I don’t know where to

Gabe rules

I so love one of my best friends, Gabe. I had such am amazing conversation with him today over the computer (got to love technology) . I just feel so blessed to be able to hear his words. Gabe and I go way back to middle school and him and I have been through so many ups and down together. The blessing is that I have seen that kid grow and mature into a Godly man who cares so much for others. He challenges me so much. Gabe went through a time when he didn't believe God, but over the years i have seen God do great thing in his heart and in turn God has used Gabe for His glory. I love getting to see that, it is a privilege. I just had the most wonderful time today talking to him and I thought i would brag on him a bit. I wish he lived close to me.

¹³I have much to write you, but I do not want to do so with pen and ink. ¹⁴I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face. Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. Greet the friends there by name.

3 John 1:13-14

I like to watch House.....

For some reason i just have not been in a good mood today. Today was fantastic: Good People, Good Music, nothing negative happened. But for some reason I just didn't feel right, I don't know why. I guess i am just n a funk, nothing feels natural. Music doesn't flow from my consciousness like it used to, Words don't match up, I feel uncreative. And i am not just talking about work or my various hobbies. I think it might be school, I am so tired and ready for this semester to be over. But I really don't think that its school, I think its a pride issue or something. Today I have just felt weary and burdened, I need rest and joy.

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

Maybe I need to be beat down a bit, I know I need it sometimes. That doesn't mean i like it, I just want to have a humble spirit, to mirror the characteristics of Christ. Also to be honest with how life is going, to myself and to others. I think that all to many times people try to only let people see the bright side of themselves, I just want to be a real person with real feelings. But I hide behind a smile or a joke, and thats not authentic. Now I am a pretty optimistic person, I don't do a whole lot of wallowing, so I don't mean to sound like a glass is half-empty kinda guy. But like i said i just feel burdened and thought it would be good to let it out a bit, since i usually don't. Just to be more Christ-like, that is all I desire.

⁴The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. ⁵But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: ⁶Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did.

1 John 2:4-6

and on a completely unrelated note, a beautiful poem by my favorite, Sir John Doone:

"Death, be not proud" by John Doone

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

I wish i could open up....

I really want to be surrounded by meaningful relationships, real conversations, or as I hear a lot now a days 'authentic community'.

I find people fascinating, I mean the whole idea of what it is to be an individual is just mind blowing. Everyone comes from different back rounds with different experiences. I want to learn about those experiences, share my own. Just really get to know and love people.

Also I don't understand the pressures put on the guy/girl relationship dynamics. I feel as though I cannot hang out with someone around my age without hearing some comment from someone about it evolving into a romantic relationship. I totally understand the comments but I wish that there wasn't a constant pressure to date or to be constantly looking for a wife. I very much want to get married someday, I am so very excited for that day. But God has not blessed me in that area of my life yet and that's perfectly fine by me. There is this girl i know that I think has the most pure heart our of anyone I have met in a long time, she is brilliantly smart and quick witted, and to top it off I think she is very beautiful. In the past i feel as though I would have put myself out there and tried pursuing a relationship. But that has never worked for me before, judging by my past relationships, I have always been to focused on the relationship and not the friendship and getting to really know the person, I was selfish. I care much more about having a friend and understanding that person than anything else.

God has such an awesome plan for me, even if it means not ever getting married. I want to marry my best friend so I now firmly believe that friendship is all I need to pursue. Now I know eventually I am going to have to put my self out there and pursue a girl, but I don't want it to be someone I just met 2 days ago. In Song of Solomon it says "do not stir nor waken love until it pleases' and lately that has resonated with me. Even though I am attracted to this amazing person, its not the time, and she might not even be the person.....and so its win/win for me, either eventually God says its time to do/say something or He doesn't and I still have a great friendship that I greatly value. Win/Win

Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

That is my heart completely.......

"My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 13:33-35

continuing on.....

He laid emeralds in her eyes,
But Id already tried a bracelet made of gold
And a scarlet thread around her wrist.
Everything was wrong so we sang sentimental songs.
Oh how seldom we belong but how elegant our kiss.
We painted crooked lines
But danced in perfect time to a love so much refined,
We know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour into a grief know before
But never quite like this.
All I know now is regret,
It follows like a silhouette along the cobblestone behind us,
But has nothing to say except to innocently ask,
Its voice delicate as glass,
Do you see me when we pass?
But I continue on my way.

-John Donne

I have no life

My name is John Nathaniel Carrington III, I hope someday to marry a beautiful girl, a beautiful girl who's family has a history of twins, I then hope that we have twins and I can name then John Nathaniel Carrington IV and John Nathaniel Carrington V and just knock out a generation.....

I have been working like crazy this week, but I am being really productive.....and I get next week off, yay

Next week am going to try and do something pretty uncharacteristic of myself, I hope I dont look like a fool, prayers would be nice

I cant wait to have a nice clean house, its going to be fun, even if it only lasts a day or so

I like school, but I dont like going to school

I feel as though God is doing great things, I am excited to be apart of these things

I love you all, Peace be with you.

My name is John, You know me?

A Long Day....

"Murder is no better than cards, if cards can do the trick." - C.S. Lewis

Oh Lewis....you know me....

First Post

I guess I am one of the cool kids now.....I have a blog