Dagnabbit

I did something stupid.
I asked God to humble me.
Guess what.
He is doing just that.
I don't like it, but I love it.
Be careful what you pray for.

What the hell am i doing here?

So I suppose I am really frustrated with my life right now. I feel as if i am in need of a major change. Do you ever just feel stuck where you are at? I do.

I think ALL THE TIME, I just can't shut my brain off. I was at my accountability group the other day, just me and 3-4 other guys that I trust to tell everything to, and I was just kind of telling them what all has been going through my life. And I was telling them about my thinking and how at night I can't go to sleep because all I do is lay down and my mind starts racing. I think about everything, like:
all the conversations I had that day.
did I offend anyone?
did I forget to do anything that day?
what do i have to do tomorrow?
When he/she said this what did he/she mean?
Should I do laundry tomorrow?
Do I tell people i actually read the Twilight Saga?
How many spiders will I eat tonight?
If Muslims believe that Jesus was a prophet then do they just omit the parts where Christ says he is the Son?
Who will I marry?
Will i be a good husband?
Will I be a good father?
Do I REALLY want to get married?
Where will I be in 10 years?
Could I have been a better friend to my friend Tyler who died of a drug overdose?
Rainbows: gay or colorful?.....discuss

and so on and so on....

So on top of thinking all these things I was also saying that even when i am relaxing or just taking it easy, I dont feel like I am getting rest. I am constantly go go go. Then one of the guys says "John, it sounds like you just don't have a lot of peace.".......peace. That's it. Thats what i am looking for. When he said that his words were like a ton of bricks that hit me on the head. But how do I accomplish this? Do I just say "OK God, I get it I need peace, so uh ummm give to me, pretty please?"

Appearently it does not work that way. At least not for me. Trust me I have tried.

I don't want people to really get to know me, I hide a lot. And there are certain people I want to let in but I can't for lots of reasons other than I don't want them to really know me. And there are very very very few people that i feel as though I could easily let in, so much so that i find myself doing it and have to watch myself so that i don't get hurt. Also I want to know other people, I love conversations. And I talk WAY too much, I suppose I am a nervous talker, and because I am a nervous talker I am sure I come off very self centered and kind of a know-it-all, man do I hate that. All I REALLY want to do is listen and learn. I want to know everything about you, to realize when you are sad, how to cheer you up, how to encourage you, make you smile, how you grew up, about your family, about other friends, favorite color, worst fear, life goals, what you love, EVERYTHING....
But being a musicians and 'performer' I suppose that I crave the spotlight, but to be honest I do not feel comfortable in it. I get extreme social anxiety when eyes are on me. Like my heart is going to explode. Most people would not know this because i am a fantastic liar and deciever. I have trained myself almost my whole life to not let people know know what is really going on. There are a few people that I have let my guard down with, but for the most part I really wish i had not, mostly because I was not guarding my heart at the time. And in that context I am not speaking of romantic relaionships, there are friends of mine that are guys that I should have guarded myself from. And as a result I feel as though my heart has become hard and somewhat bitter. I have never been much of a cryer but even when i want to now, I can't. Trust me I have tried really hard just to shed one legitimate tear but I am all dry.

I used to not remember my dreams, for the longest time I just closed my eyes and opened them the next day. But for the last 5-6 MONTHS!!!! I remember everything, every detail. These are not nightmares by any stretch of the imagination, they are the best dreams i have ever had. In them I have everything i want, I am how I want to be. It's not a reoccuring dream its different every time, its like my little slice of heaven. But when I wake up I am frustrated because I have to come back to reality, that things are very different from my dreams. I think God uses dreams for lots of reasons (ie the book of Daniel) but I have no freaking idea what mine mean, if anything at all because i am not about to say that every little thing should be so closely scrutinized. I just want God to take them away, I would rather have dreamless night, hell even a nightmare every once in a while (I actually had a nightmare the other day but it ended up good so I don't really count that)

Ok so I could write another 5-6 pages of more stuff but I will leave it at that. But as a wrap up here is a short list of things that I KNOW:

I am John
I am a sinner
I am selfish
I know absolutly nothing about anything
God is love and love is real
There is always hope is Jesus
I love you more than you will ever know

Mason Jennings

"I don't want to be together, 

I don't want to be apart,

I don't want non of this love for you Honey,

Deep, deep down in my heart."

The Annexation of Puerto Rico

Ladies and Gentlemen:

"Like David, I wanna be a man after God's own heart. And I'm not there yet, but I'm past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that's my vision. Surely I am a manly man. I want to be loved and have love and give love. And not just that romantic kind either."


I do want to be compassionate, I do want to love people and have them know they are loved. I feel as though we as a society think so much of how we can 'fix' people, but really people just need a legitimate friend who will listen and walk through life with them.

I am scared that I will never live up to my full potential. that I will not accomplish all that God has for me. That I will be a disappointment. But His grace is so good. How Great Thou Art.

"Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance." - St. Augustine

plotted points

I need some serious intellectual stimulation.....I just can't take people sometimes

which road will you take?

such a good song......

If you walk away, I’ll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don’t want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when it’s looking this way

And the moon’s laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way

And Laura’s asleep in my bed
As I’m leaving she wakes up and says
“I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don’t go away, come here”

And there’s kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say “enough is enough,
If you walk away, I’ll walk away”
And he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
From my landlocked blues
It’ll pass away like a slow parade
It’s leaving but I don’t know how soon 

And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But don’t walk away, don’t walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background of a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
“If we walk away, they’ll walk away”

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom’s a joke 
We’re just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you’re still free start running away
Cause we’re coming for you!

I’ve grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I’m making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying “let me walk away, please”
You’ll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away

So I’m up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
I’m leaving but I don’t know where to
I know I’m leaving but I don’t know where to

Gabe rules

I so love one of my best friends, Gabe. I had such am amazing conversation with him today over the computer (got to love technology) . I just feel so blessed to be able to hear his words. Gabe and I go way back to middle school and him and I have been through so many ups and down together. The blessing is that I have seen that kid grow and mature into a Godly man who cares so much for others. He challenges me so much. Gabe went through a time when he didn't believe God, but over the years i have seen God do great thing in his heart and in turn God has used Gabe for His glory. I love getting to see that, it is a privilege. I just had the most wonderful time today talking to him and I thought i would brag on him a bit. I wish he lived close to me.

¹³I have much to write you, but I do not want to do so with pen and ink. ¹⁴I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face. Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. Greet the friends there by name.

3 John 1:13-14