What the hell am i doing here?

So I suppose I am really frustrated with my life right now. I feel as if i am in need of a major change. Do you ever just feel stuck where you are at? I do.

I think ALL THE TIME, I just can't shut my brain off. I was at my accountability group the other day, just me and 3-4 other guys that I trust to tell everything to, and I was just kind of telling them what all has been going through my life. And I was telling them about my thinking and how at night I can't go to sleep because all I do is lay down and my mind starts racing. I think about everything, like:
all the conversations I had that day.
did I offend anyone?
did I forget to do anything that day?
what do i have to do tomorrow?
When he/she said this what did he/she mean?
Should I do laundry tomorrow?
Do I tell people i actually read the Twilight Saga?
How many spiders will I eat tonight?
If Muslims believe that Jesus was a prophet then do they just omit the parts where Christ says he is the Son?
Who will I marry?
Will i be a good husband?
Will I be a good father?
Do I REALLY want to get married?
Where will I be in 10 years?
Could I have been a better friend to my friend Tyler who died of a drug overdose?
Rainbows: gay or colorful?.....discuss

and so on and so on....

So on top of thinking all these things I was also saying that even when i am relaxing or just taking it easy, I dont feel like I am getting rest. I am constantly go go go. Then one of the guys says "John, it sounds like you just don't have a lot of peace.".......peace. That's it. Thats what i am looking for. When he said that his words were like a ton of bricks that hit me on the head. But how do I accomplish this? Do I just say "OK God, I get it I need peace, so uh ummm give to me, pretty please?"

Appearently it does not work that way. At least not for me. Trust me I have tried.

I don't want people to really get to know me, I hide a lot. And there are certain people I want to let in but I can't for lots of reasons other than I don't want them to really know me. And there are very very very few people that i feel as though I could easily let in, so much so that i find myself doing it and have to watch myself so that i don't get hurt. Also I want to know other people, I love conversations. And I talk WAY too much, I suppose I am a nervous talker, and because I am a nervous talker I am sure I come off very self centered and kind of a know-it-all, man do I hate that. All I REALLY want to do is listen and learn. I want to know everything about you, to realize when you are sad, how to cheer you up, how to encourage you, make you smile, how you grew up, about your family, about other friends, favorite color, worst fear, life goals, what you love, EVERYTHING....
But being a musicians and 'performer' I suppose that I crave the spotlight, but to be honest I do not feel comfortable in it. I get extreme social anxiety when eyes are on me. Like my heart is going to explode. Most people would not know this because i am a fantastic liar and deciever. I have trained myself almost my whole life to not let people know know what is really going on. There are a few people that I have let my guard down with, but for the most part I really wish i had not, mostly because I was not guarding my heart at the time. And in that context I am not speaking of romantic relaionships, there are friends of mine that are guys that I should have guarded myself from. And as a result I feel as though my heart has become hard and somewhat bitter. I have never been much of a cryer but even when i want to now, I can't. Trust me I have tried really hard just to shed one legitimate tear but I am all dry.

I used to not remember my dreams, for the longest time I just closed my eyes and opened them the next day. But for the last 5-6 MONTHS!!!! I remember everything, every detail. These are not nightmares by any stretch of the imagination, they are the best dreams i have ever had. In them I have everything i want, I am how I want to be. It's not a reoccuring dream its different every time, its like my little slice of heaven. But when I wake up I am frustrated because I have to come back to reality, that things are very different from my dreams. I think God uses dreams for lots of reasons (ie the book of Daniel) but I have no freaking idea what mine mean, if anything at all because i am not about to say that every little thing should be so closely scrutinized. I just want God to take them away, I would rather have dreamless night, hell even a nightmare every once in a while (I actually had a nightmare the other day but it ended up good so I don't really count that)

Ok so I could write another 5-6 pages of more stuff but I will leave it at that. But as a wrap up here is a short list of things that I KNOW:

I am John
I am a sinner
I am selfish
I know absolutly nothing about anything
God is love and love is real
There is always hope is Jesus
I love you more than you will ever know